Broken Man - Political Forum

Kazikli Bey · #1 (**permalink**) 09-13-2007, 07:41 AM

Well, I've been waiting to see Inan'ta's peom before posting my own (i recall she got permission) but since she hasn't posted one yet, i thought i'd post my own.

Broken Man
By Lazlow V.

Lying on the cold hard floor,
Heaving heavily to regain his breath,
An anger surges through him,
Colder than death.

He finds himself pondering over his memories,
Death after death of his friends,
He forgets the good times in his life,
And finds himself at a dead end.

This is a broken man,
Lost in his way,
Without the guidance of a helping hand,
This is a broken man,
Without honour or humanity,
Love or vanity.

His heart pounds as he picks himself up,
He has no feeling for others,
Just anger and hatred for those around him,
As if he weren’t bore from a loving mother.

There is no love left for him on this earth,
No one to care for him anymore,
He feels cold and helpless,
He sheds a tear for his heart tore.

This is a broken man,
Not loved by anyone,
His life come undone,
This is a broken man
There is no one there for him,
Just like a soldier made of tin.

He walks down the hall,
Faceless men on his left and right,
He can’t walk tall,
He can no longer fight,
His children will no longer see him,
For the beautiful person he once was,
Before his misery set in,
Before his life spiralled downwards.

Now he sits down,
Held tightly in place,
He looks forward into the crowd,
He sees his wife’s face.
Tears roll down her cheeks,
He gives her a sad smile,
Her character so simple and meek,
He knows he’s travelled his last mile.

He is no longer a broken man,
He has regained the love of his wife,
As she is torn to pieces,
By a blunt knife.
He now has broken woman,
She’s losing her husband,
Right in front of her eyes,
He can see her sadness,
In those that don’t lie.

Just before his death,
His life flashes before his eyes,
He remembers all the happy moments,
All the beautiful people in his life.

As his death draws closer,
All the fear fades away,
He is filled with happiness,
As he sees the last light of day.

Kazikli Bey · #2 (**permalink**) 09-13-2007, 08:10 PM

I should probably add, feel free to comment or make suggestions...

iTaliAN_ICe · #3 (**permalink**) 09-13-2007, 08:44 PM

I thought it was really good.

Unfortunately, poetry isn't one of my stronger areas, so I can't really make any suggestions.

Bradgriff · #4 (**permalink**) 09-13-2007, 10:01 PM

That was great! You aughta belt that one out at open mic night if you have a poetry pub down there. (applause sign)

The imagery it brings to me get's more intense as it goes and you do a great job of conveying that rat in a shrinking cage feeling combined with increasing anxiety you would have.

The neat thing is that the emotions you describe paint the picture in a way that distracted me from the physical descriptives of the event, so I picked up the first time through just on the emotions, when I went through it the second time is when I noticed things like "hallway" "held tightly in place".

See how that is....it's different each time you read it, just like good art where it kind of evolves for you.

We need more uh that shit around here!

Kazikli Bey · #5 (**permalink**) 09-13-2007, 11:59 PM

By what you've said Bradgriff, you're making it hard for me to believe i wrote that two years ago when i was only 15 but i guess i was a better writer back then.

And as for the open pub night, it was actually meant to be a song for my band but well, that really hasnt got off the ground yet.

iTaliAN_ICe · #6 (**permalink**) 09-14-2007, 12:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kazikli Bey

when i was only 15.

damn.

Inan’Ta · #7 (**permalink**) 09-14-2007, 12:06 AM

Bey, I actually posted one in WLC aboard section

Post # 12

Hello From Tasmania

Before I post my poem on this thread I thought it would be best if I first asked you if this thread can be a place where anyone can post his or her poems.

By the way that poem was deep, you didn’t have to say much. You created images in your reader’s minds and allowed your readers to draw their own conclusion, that my friend is what a poem is mostly about.

Kazikli Bey · #8 (**permalink**) 09-14-2007, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inan’Ta

Bey, I actually posted one in WLC aboard section

Post # 12

Hello From Tasmania

Well, i must read it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inan’Ta

Before I post my poem on this thread I thought it would be best if I first asked you if this thread can be a place where anyone can post his or her poems.

Feel free, personally i'd start a new thread but if you want to post it on this one i have no objections.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inan’Ta

By the way that poem was deep, you didn’t have to say much. You created images in your reader’s minds and allowed your readers to draw their own conclusion, that my friend is what a poem is mostly about.

Thank you Inan'Ta, your praise, as does everybody else's, brings me much satisfaction.